Journey On…My Next Best Life–My Huff/Post 50 Submission

In my 30’s and 40’s I was looking busy and looking happy. I had four children in six years, and thinking back I realize it was a blur. It was a hectic and beautiful vision of being the “perfectly perfect” family. My girls wore matching dresses and my son (the youngest) was always running to catch up.

I lived for the picture perfect moments. I even ironed their matching pajamas. If we looked seamless, then we were seamless.

In those years I was defined as wife, mother and daughter “extraordinaire.” Those titles gave me a purpose…a rescue from the confidence to define myself. I was so consumed with taking care of everyone else I lost clarity (ironed pajamas are ridiculous) and I lost my confidence and my courage. I think many 50 year old women know exactly what I am talking about.

But, this Christmas I finally had my “Oprah ah-hah moment.” (Trust me, I have been waiting). My three beautiful, insightful and strong-willed daughters said to me, “Mom, it is time to do you.”

This year, 2015, is a big year for me. This is the year I have longed for and dreaded at the same time. This is the year my youngest and only son will graduate from high school. His college acceptance letter came last week. I will truly be alone. I will no longer need to be home at 3:00 (just to check in). No more soccer games or parent teacher conferences. Cereal will be an acceptable dinner choice.

The last five years have nearly knocked me off my feet. My perfect life I had meticulously spun was spinning out of control. I sat beside my beautiful 73 year old mother and watched her suffer excruciating pain and die from pancreatic cancer. At the same time my 20 something year marriage ended bitterly. We were not, and probably never were, each other’s soul mates. Or are we just wiser at 50 than we are at 25? In these same defining five years I have had the heartbreak of watching my father—once my hero—get disbarred from practicing law and lose a family fortune. His name was sprawled across newspaper headlines for days. (Note to self… if you read an article online, and it is about you or your family, stay away from the comment page). I have also sent my three daughters off to college…ready and steady to build their own lives and soar to their own unlimited heights.I have given them roots and wings. If all of this hasn’t been enough “life experience,” I was forced to sell our family home. I rented a two ton dumpster and purged and packed. It is amazing the “stuff of life” we collect. I rented a smaller place nearby. Believe me, it is a lot to digest in five years and not be left bitter and destroyed. That is not the woman I am.

In fact, with change and disappointment I have discovered the clarity, confidence and courage that have been missing. I am ready to “do me.” This is my year! I have decided to leave my hometown of Cincinnati and move to Chicago. I am finally ready to stand on my own two feet…independent, strong and free to start a new life. I want a small apartment. I want three white blouses, not twenty. Two pair of jeans will do. (The rest don’t fit). I don’t want a car or car insurance or even an ice scraper. I don’t want a garden hose. The thought of a potted and replaceable plant on a balcony seems perfect. I want small and cozy and comfortable. Stuff is stuff…it is all in the memories that matter. My children will forever be what matter most. We will just cuddle closer.

More than anything, I want to rebuild a career. It is never too late to start again and to rebuild ourselves. Wish me luck; I have a job interview in Chicago on Friday. I am indeed ready to finally grow up and stop spinning and start standing. Journey on. One foot at a time.

“Decision is the spark that ignites action. Until a decision is made nothing happens.”
– Wilfred A. Peterson